My friend is right when she said that it'd be naive of us to think that our problems are going to go away with a new year. It is so true, they aren't. We are all going to face problems this year, probably going to carry over some of the same issues we had this past year. Unfortunately, that is the world we live in and just the way life is. But the silver lining is as we celebrate a new year it allows us, human beings that have a good perception of a start and end point, to use it as an opportunity to begin a new approach. Listen, trust me the problems don't go away. Just yesterday, January 1st, first day of the new year, I had an emotional break down. You see, January 1st, is my Abuelo Manolo's birthday and sadly he is no longer with me. It has been a little over a month since he went home to be with the Lord, but it still is something that hurts, and yesterday it hit hard. I had not cried that hard since his burial. I say this, not for pity, but just proof that the problems aren't going to go away. But prior to this year starting, I decided I would start the year with a fast. I am currently doing Daniel's Fast. I decided this for a few reasons. First, I want to start off the year with a pure dedication to God. Secondly, as a new beginning of how I will approach things from here on out. I want to get even more serious, intense, closer, and intimate with my Father. So I feel as this new year starts, that I will start with seeking Him, and wow does He answer quick.
I had my breakdown yesterday afternoon as I was beginning my fast that day. I prayed God would do whatever possible to get me where I need to be with Him, and that He would grant me discipline and patience to accomplish my goals during the fast, so hopefully they would be instilled in me because of it. And He was quick to break me. My emotions were stirred. I ended up falling asleep around 930-10 which is greatly early for me, only to wake up at 5 in a panic. I woke filled with emotion, feeling so broken and weary. I was immediately sobbing and crying out for God. I've realized I'm not seeking Him like I need to, I'm praying for things and not "seeing" answers because my focus isn't where it should be. Immediately, as soon I cried out, I just surrendered and submitted to Him. I told Him, I am drained in every aspect. I don't feel like myself because I just don't have the energy capable of being myself. I'm exhausted. I can't do it on my own anymore or when I try to do it with You, I can't try to help. The strength and comfort I had thus far was simply not enough. I prayed this all with just the purest sincerity from my heart, not even thinking about what to say. I just put myself out there 100% before God. No hiding, I admitted every struggle I have to Him and wish to cast them all to Him.
Like I said earlier, He was quick to answer. I made my way back to bed and eventually went back to sleep. I woke up today, and it was almost like a complete refreshment. I felt ready for the challenges of today. It started with the drive to church. I passed the cemetery on the way to church, which left me to begin to softly weep, but I felt somewhat encouraged through the worship music playing through my ipod. Then I got to church, and let's say I do not think a service has ever spoke to me and felt like it was written and meant for me like the one spoken today. It's basic main message was Keep Calm and Carry On. Wow, is all I have. I left with goosebumps as my friend and I shared the same thoughts on how perfect and appropriate that message was. Seriously, how perfect it was. So many different things spoke to me, enough that if I were to begin to write about it I'd probably have enough material to write a dissertation. I left so encouraged, so ready, so passionate again. I'm refreshed and I am going to pray that my focus stay the same so I may continue to feel refreshed. My issues, problems, insecurities, downfalls, failures, worries, sorrows, or past have not gone away. They are still fresh in my mind, but I have a new perspective on how to handle them. And that is 100% with Him. That is the main point and it is the most important. Seriously we are going to face storms in our lives but we just got to keep calm and carry on. He isn't going to give us anything we can't handle but we must handle it with Him. We got to cast our worries on Him. We must forget and not slow down.
Forget and Not Slow Down by Relient K:
How many times
Can I push it aside
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts of all the things that haunt me most
So they leave me alone
Move on with my life
Be certain the steps of left and right don't fight the direction of upright
I'd rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now
If I become what I can't accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it
It's time to decide
Which is out of my mind
Cause it'll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind
Shine off the spring in my step
And could be blinding depending on the amount of You that I reflect
Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could've done better but what good do what ifs do
There's something I should tell you now