Sunday, October 31, 2010

Combos and Skittles

So I've been slacking kinda on this blogging thing, but at the same time not really. I haven't been neglecting it, I just haven't been sure as to what to write. I want to write every time I have a thought or feel compelled to share my heart. I should stop being selfish and just share different aspects of my life that could help others; but I can't, I'm not that comfortable yet. Things still haunt me, decisions I've made in the past still linger, I'm working on moving past them because I know that isn't me anymore. I've changed, I've been renewed in Him. But I'm still human, still have insecurities and issues that I deal with. For now, I won't be sharing that yet for the world to see how, despite contrary to popular belief, I'm far from awesome and I severely suck. To share how I truly don't deserve to have His grace, how undserving of a chump I am.

Which brings me to what I have decided to share. And that's how awesome and gracious He is. I admit this is one topic I wanted to share earlier, but I was hesitant. Hesitant because I don't want to come across as riding a high horse. I refuse to allow others to think I feel I am in anyway better than or above them. Because I am not. I am so far from that. I truly feel I am below most. This isn't to get confused with me thinking I'm worthless, because I know I'm not. I know I have a lot to offer people, but I do understand at the same time I'm better than no one. With that said, I just wanted share how awesome He is and how amazing I am doing right now because of Him. Reading that, I think you can see why I was scared to come across as boastful. But a friend of mine made a valid point. He deserves the praise. Sharing this isn't about tooting my own horn and patting my own back, it is simply to show and give the praise He deserves.

All the comments I have been getting lately from numerous people, is that how much I've changed and how much of a blessing I am to them in their lives. For me that's mind blowing. Me? A blessing? Psssh nah chill with that heat, I suck. But despite me being a noobcake at life, He is the polar opposite. He is just ridiculous. And I'm living proof. I know that it is kind of cliche but it is the truth. The fact He could take me out of the pitch black darkness I was living in and make a light of me is beyond my comprehension (I know I'm only a dim light but I know I'll get brighter). I've caught myself saying things lately, but in a good way, it's more of a whoa where did that come from. I can truly feel God's presence in my life and it is the most gratifying thing. It is gratifying to know that the Bible is so true. That when John 3:16 says whosoever it really means whosoever. And I am one of those whosoever.

The peace of mind and joy He has given me since I the night I decided to make my life His has simply been overwhelming. I find myself saying and doing things never in my lifetime I'd think I'd be saying and doing. I haven't been upset in weeks, I haven't felt stressed in weeks, my cursing has dwindled to rarely almost non-existent. I know that it won't always be like this forever, but that's even more reason for me to bask in it and give Him praise for it. He knows where I was and has given exactly what I needed. He has broken me, humbled me, softened my heart to the point I cry all the time now. It's beautiful honestly and I've come to terms with that thanks to a friend of mine.

So again I'm writing this to just take advantage of an opportunity to publicly praise Him for what He has done, what He is doing, and what He is going to do in my life. I couldn't be more grateful for Him. The people that I'm surrounded by, each and every single one of you, are just amazing and beyond loving. I am so grateful for the friends I have by my side. By far that has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. All the blessings I have given me more reason to dedicate my life to serving Him. Using my life as a walking testimony of His power and capabilities. To show how glorious He is. I want everything I do to just bring Him praise. I never want Him to be without praise. I want every time I come to Him to just have more and more praise for Him. I want my life song to be one of praise for Him. I want every time I go to His shows to bring Him skittles and combos because He wants AND deserves it!


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Be My Escape

First and foremost, I need to say praise be to God for the peace of mind that I am currently experiencing. Right now, I have reasons to be bothered, reasons to be frustrated, maybe even reasons to be upset at certain things and situations. But I am not. I am actually at peace with myself in every aspect despite the chaos of life. And that is something worthy to give Him praise.
Alright so onward:

"I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so 
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate.
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption 
because I know to live you must give your life away"

That is a Relient K lyric from the song "Be My Escape". It has been one of my of my favorite lyrics. Because it contains one of my favorite lines, which is that last line, "because I know to live you must give your life away". As crazy as it sounds, its so true! In our world today we as people tend to be so big on freedom, having freedom, and enjoying that freedom. So to say you must give your life away in order to live, that just sounds ludicrous and stupid.

I'm currently reading "The Reason for God" by Timothy Keller and one of the points he brings up, in his chapter entitled "Christianity is a Straightjacket", is that the view of Christianity in our world today is that it's constraining. Basically that Christianity limits our personal growth and potential because it constrains our freedom to choose our own beliefs and practices. He goes on to quote Immanuel Kant as defining an enlightened human being as one who trusts in his or her own power of thinking, rather than in authority or tradition. These are the stereotypical assumptions of my new found faith. And it couldn't be further from the truth though. Timothy Keller continues on to counter that view with something that's rather real and true. He says "Freedom cannot be defined as strictly negative terms, as the absence of confinement and constraint. In fact, in many cases, confinement and constraint is actually a means to liberation." Then he goes on to give an example of that with this thought, "If you have musical aptitude, you may give yourself to practice, practice, practice the piano for years. This is a restriction, a limit on your freedom. There are many other things you won't be able to do with the time you invest in practicing. If you have the talent, however, the discipline and limitation will unleash your ability that would otherwise go untapped. What have you done? You've deliberately lost your freedom to engage in some things in order to release yourself to a richer kind of freedom to accomplish other things." 

I like what he says later on, "In many areas of life, freedom is not so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones, the liberating restrictions." I agree 100% with him in the fact that if this all applies to our daily lives why can't it apply to our spiritual lives as well. Why must we have to go out and enjoy our freedom to create spiritual reality, when instead we can do like the pianist and discipline ourselves to experience the true sense of freedom due to our true liberation. If we were to deny ourselves, carry our cross, and follow Him like the Bible demands us to, straight from the mouth of Jesus Christ himself then there wouldn't be an issue. Like the lyric mentioned above, in order to live you must give your life away; you have to die to yourself. It's not easy, not even close. But it is what we are called to do and it is with reason. The only way we will live or what we like to call enjoy our freedom, is to be like the pianist. We have to sacrifice, we have to let go of things, we have give ourselves up in order to gain a richer freedom, one that is truly liberating.

That brings me to the second thing, we have to let go of things. In order to truly sacrifice so we may tap into a greater freedom, we have to let go. Not let go of somethings, not let go of a few things, no we must let go of all things. Now you might read that and say woah woah Happ, that is a tad extreme. Let me explain. First, in regards to extreme, Jesus Christ was and is an extremist. Read the Bible and it clearly displays it. Jesus didn't go around singing praises with the religious leaders all day, no! He went to an extreme by doing things the religious leaders wouldn't dare do. He reached out to everyone, including the outcasts of society, the ones nobody would deal with. He lived what we are called to be like. If you want to keep going, how about this one? You want extreme? Here you go, Jesus DIED for us. He died for EVERYONE. Everyone including those that had,were, and are going to reject Him. That is love right there. Crazy love if you ask me. So if He went to that extreme for us, why cant we for Him. Now before you go off and call me psychotic. Let me next explain what I mean by letting go of all things. When I say to let go of things, the things I am talking about are the things that hinder your spiritual growth. Therefore letting go of things is subjective, meaning it is something we all need to do but at the same it is different for each of us. I am not saying you need to cut yourself from people and from the world, you need to go to church 7 times a week, can't watch T.V., can't listen to music that isn't worship music; I am simply saying let go of everything that hinders you. For me, honestly, its drinking. Due to my past experiences, drinking is something i need to let go of. It is something I struggled with for years. You may be asking why? Well it takes my eyes and focus off Him when I need or needed to be to dependent on Him. So I am not saying drinking in itself is wrong, though the reason you may be partaking and the abuse of it could be very wrong. I am saying for myself, it is something I needed to let go of. We all have many different things that do this to us, I know I do. But the point is we are called to die to ourselves, meaning give up those things that hinder us, so that we may pick up our crosses and follow Him. 

It is kind of mind blowing and boggling to even try to grasp this. It is crazy, because we for sure don't deserve it. We don't deserve to experience that real freedom. We deserve to be wandering alone and be experiencing what we feel and think is liberating freedom. But it's not like that at all. God loves us. He loves us all. And He cares so much for us, that He gives us an opportunity to get something we don't deserve. Most of the time, we usually say when we get something we don't deserve, that life isn't fair. And in response I'll answer with a last RK lyric, "And this life sentence that I’m serving I admit that I’m every bit deserving BUT the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair". So this is my prayer and has been for quite a while now, that the Lord our God would help me, humble me, yet keep me strong and courageous, as I let go of things, as I strive and move closer and more obedient to Him. That He would be my escape, my escape of the life I lived for so long so that I may come to the realization of and experience the true freedom.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Greetings again! 
Well alright so, I felt compelled to blog again, except I had originally planned to try and do a more meaningful blog earlier on but I am kind of glad I didn't. The reason I didn't cause I had a friend of mine come over to go pick up the new star wars force unleashed 2 game at our local gamestop at around 11:30. We ended up not even playing tonight. We sort of just started talking about life. Twas a great conversation without a doubt; as a matter of fact we spoke for a few hours about many things. Something big we hit was basically about our faith and the hope we have that comes along with that faith. It's crazy how caught up we can get on the things of life and how easily we can lose our focus on the one thing that matters, Him. We both opened up a bit about the things we are currently struggling with and cant seem to let go of, which was good because luckily there are a few struggles we share. So we kind of talked each other through it and I definitely feel we helped each other out with new perspectives. 

I caught myself laughing at one point of the conversation. I was laughing because I was just in pure disbelief. Disbelief in the fact that I, this complete screw up life mess, somehow can sit and not only help a friend but help a friend with actual biblical principles that I have learned over these past few weeks. All that is, is just a pure testimony of the power of God and what He is capable of doing when you seek and ask Him into your life, and for Him to simply just consume you.

With that just a last quick endnote,just know no matter the circumstance, no matter the trial, the tribulation,or the crisis you're facing, we have a hope that will get us through it. A hope that is beyond any other thing you can find to deal with your daily struggles. And trust me we ALL have our daily struggles, we just can't worry and beat ourselves up over it. Because we have a hope and that hope is Him.

again sorry for a double blog day just felt I needed to share this after such a great night.
now I'm off, see ya later
tune in tomorrow - same bat time same channel ; )

lastly just wanted to share this song
which i am concurrence should be one of my new life songs

Monday, October 25, 2010


Hey guys! It's everybody's favorite HappymeaL, or at least I hope so since I'm probably the only HappymeaL you know. That was my attempt at a humorous intro, sorry I know it was a fail. Regardless a friend of mine has been recommending me to start blogging for weeks now, and well I'm finally giving in (btw a huge thanks to them for being such an encouragement, which is something ill talk about another day lol). I am going to use this as a means of getting my thoughts and opinions out, or at least for the most point trying to. It's definately something I struggle doing.

I'm not sure what I'm doing nor why I am doing this, but for now I'm doing it anyways. Why not right? I recently started writing poetry and thoughts out in a notebook. I haven't really shared them too much. Actually the first person I shared anything I've written with was just under 2 weeks ago. I first shared a short thought I had written out on my way home that night. It's pretty crazy I won't lie, simply because I tend to only write in my car, usually late at night on my way home from somewhere. Not quite sure why, but I guess my lunchbox, as i like to call my car, is my place of inspiration and thought; my own personal writing sanctuary I guess. The even odder part of all this, is that I tend to write things rather fast. There is usually no real thought of what I am doing, it just kind of comes out. I have yet to take more than 5-10 minutes to write anything I've written so far. I don't say any of that to boast or to say any of it is any good. But I do find it fascinating that I can write so fast in the oddest of places, my car.

So back to what I was saying, I wasn't even sure where I was going with that thought I had written down that night. I told my friend about it and they asked me to share it with them. I was slightly hesistant to do so just because, well I'm not sure why actually but I was just hesistant. Despite that I figured why not and shared it anyways. My friend was actually quite receptive about it. They liked it a lot apparently, and consequently asked me if I could share more. I was rather flattered they had thought what I wrote was actually good because personally I thought it sucked (lol). So I decided I would share with them two more short poems I had written the previous night. Again they really enjoyed it and just gave me praise on how good they thought it was. Then that is where the crazy thing happened. Mind you this is the same friend who has recommended me to start writing and now blogging, well my friend suggests I should make a song out of something I have written. Sure enough, despite hesistation I did. I don't think it's great, but to be I'm not sure I care. What is really important is the fact I'm finding and welcoming opportunities to express my true self. To be honest, I tend to fear to open up and share my thoughts about certain aspects of my life. I am sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I can openly admit I have hard time trusting people. You can thank that due to my past experiences. Unfortunately some of the people that I have opened up the most to, people that I gave my 100% trust to, people that I have considered to be family, were the people to stab me in the back time and time again. Oh well it is what it is I guess. Kind of ironic that I'm writing how I don't trust people at times and that I don't like to open up but yet I find myself doing that very thing. I guess this blogging thing might be a good channel of expression for me. With that I'll bid thee adieu and God bless. =)