Friday, December 31, 2010

Auld Lang Syne

Well folks, another year gone. As I reflect on this last year, I don't think I can recognize myself right now. There have been so many changes over the span of this year. Some have been good, some have been bad, but all have been for the better. I am beyond proud of who I am right now, though I'd be a liar if I said I am truly happy with this year that has past. It had it's ups but had a lot of downs. It has been a challenging, emotional year but the amount of growth I have experienced makes it so worth it. As I kiss goodbye this year, I'll miss those I lost and embrace those I've gained. So here I go off to this new year embracing everything it has in store for me. I know no matter what comes my way, I have God with me now, and that excites me. I look forward to the challenges to come. I pray that I continue to grow more and grow closer to Him. I pray that my heart just sets on fire for Him, that everything I do this year is for His kingdom. I pray that I stay on His path for my life. I pray all these things for myself and for all of you. I love you all and may God bless you all on this new upcoming year.

with love always.
-Adam

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Breakdown

I'm broken. I'm heartbroken. I'm literally hanging by a thread. I broke a little yesterday. I'm still breaking today. And will probably break more tomorrow. Somehow though I am not alright, but I am okay. Words of encouragement continue to surface from all sorts of different directions. Whether it be messages at church, passages of scriptures found in reading, encouragement and advice from friends, simply just a friend's hug, or a license plate of a random car in front of me. It's crazy. I really am in shambles and my love for God is the only thing holding me together. But lucky me, my God has a mighty firm grip. I just want to share a quick statement with you guys. It is something I heard at church and that is that we need to stop focusing on the circumstance and keep our eyes on the one who will get us through the circumstance. This was shared by Pastor Pedro at church last week, and it truly spoke to me. It is so true though, we all look at what has happened and what we're going through and start thinking to ourselves instead of speaking to God. Why don't we? I mean He is in control. So screw what we're going through and let's keep our focus on Him. He obviously knows what's going on and is allowing the unfortunate things to occur for a reason. So why not seek Him, and keep our focus on Him, and see what it is He is trying to show us. I have had a few friends encourage me that God is building character in me through this. He is developing me into the man He wants me to become. With that I started thinking, I might be like gold in the fire needing to go into the fire process to be purified. I started thinking also, I did pray that God would truly humble me and break me. So praise to Him. I am falling in love with Him more and more. I realize how much in control He is more and more.  I am hurting but I am thankful.

with love always,
-Adam

Saturday, December 25, 2010

I Celebrate The Day

I'm filled with a lot of different emotions right now. This might be the toughest Christmas of my life thus far. It's been a rough couple weeks. This is my first Christmas without my Abuelo Manolo, which is tough enough to deal with. Then add some other things I've gone through these last few weeks, and well let's just say I was looking forward to today to get a chance of regularity and normalcy. 

Then I get woken up early today by my mom because sadly my dog had just passed away. I loved my dog so much! She was my first dog, and the only pet I've ever had. To say the least she was just as much as a part of my family as anybody else. I had her for 12 years, she even had her own stocking. Truly, this hurts. I'm really going to miss my dog. And I haven't started thinking about my grandfather yet. Last night was a little difficult to go through thinking about him, but I made it through with just a tear here and a tear there.

I really feel like this is the culmination of what has been the toughest year of my life. Looking back at everything I've gone through this year, I can truly say wow. I've had a lot of downs but some major ups as well. So looking at this year, this is what I have concluded; I am blessed. This year I made the best decision of my life to truly accept Jesus Christ into my life. And looking through the year I can see how I arrived to finally deciding to surrender. It is such a beautiful thing to sit and realized steps I was making little by little without knowing that would soon define the new me that would be born again September 14. It is honestly crazy to see the steps I was taking all along to get here. Amazing to see the work He did all along, and how He was present all along. All the bad times, and all the good times this year, really have defined me and my character I think, especially who He wants me to become. And I thank God for that. I thank Him for everything. 

And it is all so fitting, that this would all culminate today, on Christmas day because I celebrate today. I celebrate the good, the bad, just everything because today is special. I celebrate His birth today. I celebrate His humbling of Himself to become a human so He could one day fulfill the prophecies of old and become our Savior. How amazing is that!?!?! My God became flesh today so He could die therefore I could one day truly live. That is special to me. What a sacrifice; yet again He is quite the sacrificial Savior. He sacrificed so much for us. I always knew this but now I truly believe it. He is the reason for my season. He is my everything. He is my all in all. I truly serve an amazing God that is amazing love.

If you're reading this, and you don't know Him. If you don't have a personal relationship with Him, talk to me. I'm not going to sit here and force my beliefs down your throat. I am nobody to do that, but I challenge you to give it a listen, and try to get a relationship with Him. Feel free to message and ask me why I truly celebrate the day today. What it exactly means to me, and who knows it could open your eyes to something new and different you have never seen before; like it did to me just over 4 months ago.

Now if you do have that relationship, then I'm going to challenge you along with myself to let's not just celebrate today, today. I feel we should celebrate this everyday. His birth, His life, His ministry, His death, and His resurrection should be celebrated by us everyday! By giving thanks to Him every chance we get. By living a life of pure walking worship to Him. By submitting ourselves and dying to ourselves everyday for Him. It is what He deserves. Our lives have been surrendered to Him, so let's live like it. Do note I include myself in this challenge because by no means am I there yet. I'm still a ways away from it, but I'm trying. We all need to.

With that my friends, I'll wrap it up. Today as we spend time with our families, opening presents, eating, and enjoying each other's company let's not forget what we celebrate. I know I won't, because today I celebrate the day.

with love,
-Adam

Here is a little song for ya'll. It's probably my favorite song of all time and it definite is along what I'm talking about.






I Celebrate the Day by Relient K


And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might [ really ]live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Saturday, December 18, 2010

When You're Around

When You're around, nothing is the same with me. When You're near me,  nothing matters anymore. Everything is so meaningless. There is nothing that is greater or anything that leaves me more awestruck than You. So help me, only see You. I only want to see You. I concern myself not with the nonsense of this world anymore. I'm not on a high horse, I'm not on some holy pedestal; I'm just so solely focused on You. I still fail over and over again,  I'm still filthy, but You don't seem to think the same. In Your eyes, I'm  guiltless. In Your eyes, I'm now washed clean. No stain of sin can mark me anymore. I have been washed in Your mercy and grace. Nothing could ever be more gratifying knowing that You love me, and to You I matter to the point You died for me. So knowing that, what else matters. No fight, no worry, no stress, no pressure from anything of this world should ever allow me to not continuing realizing how amazing You are. But this realization only remains when I'm neck deep in You. When I'm constantly talking to You, when I'm constantly reading and learning more about You. When I'm living a life praising Your name. So drown me in You, I beg You. I don't want it any other way. I want nothing else but You. You may chose to bless me, but I want nothing but to take those blessings and give them back to You for Your kingdom. I can't be heartbroken when I know I have a God that loves me so dearly. I have a God that will never leave me nor forsake me. I can forget these things, when I consume myself with myself. So help me always just keep You around because I don't want to experience another moment without You on Your path.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Im Taking You with Me

I'm taking You with me, really? As I really think about that, I'm no longer sure I want that. Don't get me wrong it sounds awesome and could be promising. But I have something else in mind. Now first I do agree with Relient K's song "I'm taking you with me" in this, that it is simply stating everything I do I'm bringing You, everything I take part of I want You to be a part of it. That I do want. But we as people don't take this approach,  we approach it as I'm going to go do what I want and I'm bringing You with me, or try to.

Here is a newsflash, God doesn't walk according to our plan. We are created to live according to His plan. So it is indeed He who is taking us with Him. That's how we got to view things. Too often we get caught up in our heart's desires and our "necessities". My biggest theme again is die to thyself. I'm going back to it. Screw me and what I want to do. Screw me and what I want. I'm not important anymore. God died for me,  I gave Him my life, so I'm determined to give Him my life. I'm not here to do what I want and just bring God along for the ride. Not here to follow my plan and have God just bless me on my merry way. No, I'm here to fulfill His plan, His purpose for me. Do I know exactly what that is yet, honestly not 100% sure yet. But I'm going to do the only thing I know I can do, grow in Him more and more. I can't get too anxious, too eager for it is in His due time, His perfect timing that I'll get to His plan for my life.

Last night was so perfect for me, I got reminded again of how great He is. Back up a little bit, over these last few weeks. As good as they have been for me, they were kinda negatives aspects too. I grew a fear. It was a general fear, it arose from a collection of events and thoughts. Now back to last night, that fear met its match. It met my God, and let me tell you if you don't know but God is undefeated. He doesn't lose. And I realized that last night. It was about fear last night, and how we face fear with the fear of God. And I realized I had lost that fear for some reason. But that message broke me. Then we did communion, and boy oh boy did I break. God, I'm still in awe of You. This was my first communion as a Christian, and wow. There I sat, realizing what I'm partaking in truly represents. I have a God, that died for me.

Who am I, seriously. Who the heck am I to sit here and fear anything. Who am I to tell God this is what I want to do. No, I am sorry. I am nobody. I am just a child belonging to a Savior whom I am to serve. I lost track of that a few weeks ago. I got caught up in the positive and blessings, and lost track of Him along the way. I tried to bring Him with me, but it doesn't work that way. He is the one who I'm following. He is the one leading my life. I shall remind myself of this daily. I shall remind myself to die to myself everyday. I need to, if not I'll end up in an endless rut, just circling over and over. So I'm sorry Father. I forgot I'm not leading this race, You're my Lord. I shall follow You. Thank You for allowing me to come to terms with this again. You really are so faithful despite my stupidity. You love me so much, and I long to match it.

well that's all so again
with love,
-adam

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Who I am hates who I've been

You can sit and ask how? But it is so true. I am not who I want to be. I still give in to the flesh. I sin so often. My passion isn't feeling how I felt it was a month ago. Don't mistake this as me not growing because I truly feel I've grown more in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 months. My faith is stronger than it was before. But yet something doesn't seem right, I now know what it is. I know why I'm not being as strong as before when it comes to different temptations. I need more of Him. I was satisfied because I was growing and feeding it at times. Instead of purely feeding it like I was before. Reading and praying all the time. I need to get back to that. God, You deserve more from me. I need to give You more. I need to give You all of me. I need to submit everything and stop trying to bring things along for the ride. You ask for me, not for me and what I want to bring. You ask for me just as I am. So I'm done trying. That's it. I give up. I'm tired of fighting things inside my head. I'm tired of the torment. I'm tired of the anxiety. I give it up. I hate who I've been because who I've been might be better than before but I'm still so not worthy of You. I want to be a walking image of what God asks us to be. I want to be that image of the invisible. I'm tired of being me. I want to be your pure servant. Forget me and my desires for my life. Forget my selfishness. I want You and only You. I want Your plan. I want Your desires. I want to be in complete adoration of only You.

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest. It's been eating me alive, these last few days. I think this why I haven't had the desire to post anything. It's probably why I haven't been sleeping very much despite my efforts to. Probably why I haven't been very emotional, other than when I think about Manolo. But I'm coming back to heart of worship now. I'm getting back at it. This walk we are on, is  a daily struggle. Like I mentioned in early posts, we need to die to ourselves daily. Renew the joy daily. We can't get complacent. We can't get satisfied. We need to want more and more every day! When we get complacent and satisfied, we're giving Satan exactly what he wants. We fall away from God by it. We don't grow as passionate. Our flesh takes over, and we all know the flesh sucks. So we need to stay rooted in Him. Rooted in prayer and in the Word. So I'm making it my goal to get back to it. To get rooted deeper in Him. We all need to, especially me. That's all for tonight.

with love as always,
-adam

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I Just Want You to Know...






As I'm struggling to find topics to write about, I figured I go and start sharing some of my poetry. I've been writing for 3 months now. It all started the night I got saved, and it's rolled from there.



My Inspiration:
From the start you've been a blessing to the world
In His arms you've always been curled
When things are crashing, when people would start thrashing
You stand firm, you don't waiver despite the bashing
For that I thank you, you've set a standard
But the fact I fail to meet it leaves me angered
The thought of it brings a tear to my eye
I sit sobbing staring at this night sky
You're the reason I made this choice
I used to hear God's love in your voice
You were mom's rock, a faith so strong
Man, I was mad at God, and I had it all wrong
You knew God would be our miracle postal service
How you were so strong, while I was deathly nervous
It was your walking testimony that made me change my mind
It was that and your friends, how they were so loving and overwhelmingly kind
I was just so envious of what you had
Cause I got tossed out like a fading fad
Through your silent guidance I left a troubled past
Looking back I wish I would've followed you twice as fast
You've always helped me through my trials and tribulations
The saddest thing, until now you didn't know you were my inspiration



This is a piece I wrote for my brother, Alan, and this is also the first time I mention a name on my blog. Rightfully so, that it be the man who has influenced me the most other than God. How blessed I am to have him in my life. I know we don't always get along but he has always been the best big brother any kid could ever ask for. He always been such a role model for me. I know I didn't finally accept Christ until 3 months ago, but he was the one who has influenced me through his actions to apply Godly principles in my life. I was a punk growing up, and he helped me grow away from that. 

When my mom was sick, he was my mom's rock. He was the words of comfort. His faith was in our God, and he shared with everyone that if we had Him everything would be alright. He doesn't know, but seeing that faith of his, made me realize I needed to change how acted. He was the seed to make me realize I was missing something. Even till this day, the way he stands for what he believes in is a true inspiration to me. Looking back at him then, truly empowers me to be who I am through the power of Christ.

He doesn't know any of this, and I hope one day he'll read this. He means the world to me. It broke my heart one day when I was younger when he said, if we weren't brothers, that we wouldn't even be friends. That killed me, because I love him so much. I know that statement isn't true anymore. He doesn't know but he is my best friend. I know at the end of the day he is all I have, and my sister too. I know he probably doesn't think he means that much to me, but you do. I have some of the best friends in the world. My friends truly are special, and are like family to me, but my brother is the most important thing in my life.

It kills me to see him the way he is now, because of who he was before. I'm not sure what happened, but I pray to God to help him through whatever he is going through inside and bring him back to You. I miss my old brother, he still inspires me but I know he is better than where he is at right now. He is the best man I have ever met. The heart he has is beyond anything I've encountered in anybody else. His intelligence is mind-blowing. His passion for the things he loves is immense. I just pray he makes his way back to his first love, Jesus. 

My goal is to do what he did for me. He helped me get away and start heading towards meeting my potential as a real man. I owe it to him to show him through my life that he is better than who is right now. I don't doubt that my brother is a child of God, his faith and morals is stronger than most people I know. But he deserves so much better than where is at right now. 

I know you probably won't read any of this, but Alan I love you. Thank you for everything you have done for me. You have been more than a big brother, but the truest of friends. You are beyond a great man. I hope one day I can be like you and have the heart of gold that you have. I loathe to be as intelligent and wise as you one day. I thank God everyday for you. You are a blessing to me and to everyone who comes in contact with you, and I pray that you see that. I pray that you realize God wants to use you again. I pray that you fight through the rut you're in. I pray that you come back to actively serving Him, because you are a vital asset. He loves you, and I do too.

Thank you to all my friends and family. I love you all.

with love as always,
-adam












Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Where Do I Go From Here.

Hey guys well it's been a while I know,but I just haven't really felt inspired to write very much, at least not to post publicly. So I'll suck it up a bit, and try to open up. I'm struggling yet not with where do I go from here. What am I doing with my life, what am I going to do with my life, and most importantly and truthfully the only one that matters is where does God want me to go and want me to do with my life. I've had a few enlightening and encouraging conversations with a few friends of mine. I really do have a peace inside that right now God is in control of my life and is guiding my life. Just the human side me wants answers. But I'm focusing right now on what I need to do, which is growing. I'm praying harder so they can become more frequent and sincere. I'm trying to read more often, in hopes that I'll read out of desire and hunger, and not just for the sake of reading. It's tough, because I can taste glimpses of my future but I know I'm not there yet and I have work to do. I know this is something we all struggle with. Whether you're Christian or whatever faith you choose to have. We all have that struggle of what are we going to do with our lives. I get through it knowing I have a God with a plan for me. That everything that is happening is for a reason and is in perfect timing. So I just pray that God continues to have a grasp of my life, and that I give myself up daily so that my life remains in His hands. Whether I know of His future plans or not, I do know one thing. I still have the great commission, to live my life for Him and show His light to others by showing His love that is in me. I'm sorry this might not be so insightful, powerful, moving, or anything at all but it's what's on my mind. And for now that is all I got, hopefully I can help someone, somehow.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Come Right Out and Say it...

Everything is not alright. A lot of things I have no control of. I am not sure of a lot of what I am doing. I am still heartbroken inside, I miss him terribly. Despite the Lord's peace, comfort, and love, I am still in this body and bound to mankind's selfishness. I want more or I think I do. I know I shouldn't, I have Him and that is enough, but I suck. I take a hard look at my life over the last year, and realize I am no where near the person I was 11 months and 2 days ago. I am not even the same person I was 3 months ago. I am thankful and I am beyond ecstatic to be who I am now and who I am becoming, but it does not take away that I am suffering inside. A lot of thoughts and people of my past haunt me in my head. I have moments of weakness. It is like I'm racing in mario kart and I am in first place, and some jerk face keeps throwing shells my way (green and red ones lol). I may stumble but I know I'm going in the right direction. I may be weak, but I am strong in Him. I am okay, and not at the same time. I feel I am struggling simply so I may continue to grow stronger. For those around me, that see me and may think I am okay, don't take this as I've been fake. It simply me not allowing myself to be selfish, and allow myself to get in the way of God's praise. That is why I walk with my chin up. I may be hurting, but He has been too good for me to walk around pouting, and I am determined to allow His light shine through me. Life is tough man, but I can't imagine how I would get through it without Him. He is good, He is great, He is love.

Here is a verse for those going through struggles, I encourage you including myself to stop being selfish and allowing ourselves to get in the way of His glory in our struggles.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10



I'm sorry.
I love and need You more than ever.




thank you guys for hearing me out, hopefully I can help some of you as I help myself.

love always,
-adam

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Truth






I owe You, Father. I really sincerely do. What You have been able to do for me and through me these last 2 months and 16 days is a simple testimony of how glorious and powerful You are. I love You and need you more everyday. I strive to grow closer to You. I strive to live for You. I strive to represent You. I strive to be everything You deserve. I fall so short of that. I will never amount in to the person You deserve to worship You, yet You tell me I'm enough. I thank You for that Father.  I love You, no I adore You. I stand in awe with my heart ripped open dying for You to continue Your work inside. I pick my brain apart in dire need to fill it with the thoughts You want. I seek to see what You want with my life. I have no idea, but my faith is getting closer to being 100% in what You have planned for me. I ask that You help rid every thought of what I think I want, and replace it with what You want me to do. God, I feel Your presence in my life, and I don't know why You do it. I am not worthy of Your attention, I don't deserve to worship, serve, or have You but yet You think differently. I strive to love like You. I ask You break me, humble me, make me Your servant. That is all I ask, that You allow me to work in Your name. To do something with my life that brings glory to Your name. Something that gives me a channel to display You. Help me talk to You more. Help me read Your word more. Help me seek You more. Lord I tell You, this is the truth of my heart, soul, and mind right now. Make it the permanent truth of my life. Because You my Father, my God, my Lord, my Savior, my Friend, my Everything; You are the Truth.








This has been the at the heart of my thoughts the last 2 weeks. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now, but I am 100% sure of Him.







Monday, November 29, 2010

The Rest is Up to You

Why concern myself with things that are out of my control, why bother thinking what if I did this, or that. Why not just put my 100% faith in Him and see where it goes from there. I am a new Christian, and one of the quickest things I've learned is that everything is up to Him. Not that we don't play a part in things, we actually a major role. But everything is up to Him. I live or am striving to live according to His plan. Do I know that plan? Not at all, but I've decided I am not going to live a life partially for Him and the other part for what I want to do. No sir, when I dedicated my life to Christ that means I dedicated my life to Him. I didn't say okay God, I accept You and here I dedicate 65% of my life towards what you want, but I still want to do this with my life, I still want to get this job, and these things. No I prayed and said, God my life is Yours. That means I said I would give Him my entire life, solely dedicated to Him and the plan He has for me. I pray that His will not mine, be done. And it isn't until we put our 100% faith in Him like we said we would, that He will let us in on His plans for our futures. He requires our undivided attention. We can't accomplish things on two agendas with two plans for our lives, it can't work that way. So let's put our faith in Him. Like I said we play a major role in things, we have to decide whether we are truly going to live for Him, or settle on what this world has to offer for us while we sit back with Him on the sidelines. You want His plan for your life, give Him your 100% whole-hearted faith, no attachments or clauses, be willing to seek Him, and the rest is up to You.

love always,
-adam

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Curl Up and Die

I won't lie in the past with everything that has occurred the last few days, I would have wanted to curl up and die. Not that I ever had suicidal thoughts, but just had the feeling of curling up in a ball and dying so that every thing, every feeling would just go away. Now fast forward a little bit and a few years and months, to today; I do want to curl up and die, but I'm bringing up a new definition to curling up and dying.

First, let me go into what I would have done in the past. I probably would gone to the liquor store and bought something to drink. I would have gone somewhere alone. I would have spent hours alone listening to music, drinking, and rotting away inside. Allowing my deepest fears and thoughts to eat me alive. I would have beaten myself up with shame, guilt, worthlessness, and other insults. I would've questioned why would a God do things that hurt. I would've been filled with anger and rage. I would've gotten violent and punched a column, post, stop sign, among other things (the proof is in my crooked index fingers lol). I would have just secluded myself and done things hoping they would just go away. In common terminology, this would equate to the feeling most are talking about when they say they just want to go curl up and die. Now my new definition of curling up and die, is a divine one. Divine in the fact that it is solely dependent on Him. Now before I go on explaining more, let me apologize; this could be completely off, this could be something not relative to you, might not even be something you agree with. You could very well read the rest of this and say, "Adam, you're stupid", but that's cool with me. I don't care. I'm slowly but surely becoming fearless in sharing my mind and heart. If I feel the Lord is inspiring me then I'm going with it. I'm done concerning myself with what others think, what others might say, or allowing my own insecurities to stop me. That leads me to my definition of curl up and die.

When I say I want to curl up and die, I want to curl up in His arms and simply die to myself and the thoughts and fears I have and place them in His arms. This week has taught me to be grateful and rejoice in the Lord always (Phil. 4:4). I am in the middle of a tragic loss, but the loss is leading to a huge gain. My mom told me something this morning that broke my heart (she doesn't know that I cried after cause of the joy it brought me, at least well now she does lol). She told me, "I firmly believe your grandfather died so that you may live stronger". That is another statement that might have you like whoa, chill there skippy. But no I won't chill, because I agree. The Lord, my Father, moved my heart when I heard her say that and I agree 100%. This whole situation is making me grow stronger in faith; it is giving me wisdom, courage, strength, and more faith (i can never have enough of that). I have refused to truly believe it until today, but I found the reason why God took my grandfather home to be with Him.

Most don't know but my grandfather was supposed to leave home the next morning. The doctor cleared him to go home the next day. He never made it to the next day. He went into code blue, meaning his heart stopped beating, and his lungs couldn't pump air on their own. Now, not once did I question why, but I did ask God to show me the reason why? And he has. He felt I was ready for this, right then and there. Not a day early or a day late, perfect timing. I was on a strength momentum that has carried me through this growing immensely. And it has done so, to the point that others realize it. In serious matters, I am a very humble person (ironic I say that, since calling myself humble is probably contrary to the definition lol). I say that, to say I wasn't the one to come to this conclusion. God has moved people through me, my actions, and my words. Key point by the way, is God did it, not me. I've had numerous people tell me, call me, message me, and text me that they are amazed at how strong I am being, and how inspiring it is to them, to grow their faith stronger. Seriously though, me...inspiring others to grow stronger faith? C'mon now, I seriously suck. I've been a Christian for 2 months and 11 days. But that is how amazing He is. He can use anyone. I'm just grateful that He is using me. I've found the reason to what He did, and I'm rejoicing in it.












And lastly, I wish a happy thanksgiving to all of you. To all my friends and family, you guys give me more than an abundant of reasons to be grateful on top of the blessings He already gives me. If you feel you have nothing, take a strong look at yourself and your life through His eyes, and you just might find things to make you smile. I love you guys. God bless!


love always,
-adam



Some verses for the tough times:
Isaiah 41:13, Deuteronomy 31:8, Deuteronomy 33:27, Psalm 34:17, Psalm 32:7-8, Jeremiah 16:19, and Romans 8:28
The list is endless, message me if you want or need more.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Beaming

Well, these last few days have pretty rough yet amazing for me. I originally had typed out a blog on Sunday morning, it was about 2 pages in length, but I accidentally deleted it. I won't lie I was upset at first, then happy. I'm glad because it was probably something I should not have posted. It was a lot of rambling and packed with passion and emotion, which in the end probably would have made no sense to anyone. 

So I'll start with this, this weekend I experienced quite the tragic loss of my beloved grandfather Manolo Formigo. This hurt, and to be honest I haven't stopped tearing up since Sunday 03:13 a.m., and I'm tearing up right now writing this blog. I finally let it all out Sunday night, in perfect fashion. I made the poor decision of sitting alone and listening to an emotional song, only to turn and see a photo of my abuelo. I broke, I lost it. It hit me. He was gone. I had held up so strong despite my tears and emotions here and there. I was able to be a rock for my grandmother and my fellow family members, something I had never been capable of doing. But I hadn't truly let it out and grieved my lost. Despite the peace of the Lord being in me, my human side still had the emotion of sadness. I weeped like never before for a solid 20-30 minutes. But I say in perfect fashion because of what followed. A group of people that God has blessed me with were able to be there for me. They were able to hold me, hug me, kiss me, comfort me, encourage me, and simply allow me to let it all out. I wasn't the same that night, I went to bed at like 9:30 p.m., which for those who know me know that doesn't happen. But here is the beauty, I slept so peacefully. I slept almost 12 hours, and woke up with a joy. A joy for the Lord, for He is great.

Thanks to a friend's helpful words (or writing lol), the night my grandfather passed away, I came to learn that I should "rejoice, in all things rejoice". It is kind of crazy that night, I actually prayed for the Lord to have His will carried out. In basic short summarizing, I said Father, Your will be carried out tonight. I ask that if need be, to take my grandfather to be home with You. I love You. And just allow Your light to shine through this dark time, and allow me opportunity to shine Your light. And does He answer prayer or what.

These past few days scream His name. They shout His praise and glory. Go ahead, wonder how I can feel this way in a time like this and I can answer quickly with two words. Jesus Christ. He IS the difference. I truly feel the last 2 months have been a preparation for me to handle this situation. I think He presented me the opportunity and opened my heart to come to know Him, so that I would be able to grow in Him to handle this. I'm not the same man I was 2 months ago. This isn't me bragging or tooting my horn, it's me simply praising God for the work He is and has done in me, this poor excuse for a tool of the kingdom. Again wonder, how I can I say that God prepped me so I can go through tragedy. Truth is, He did. Everything in my life, points to it. I have an understanding of God's grace and when we need most because of a conversation I had with a former teacher (check earlier post). I gave up a weakness in alcohol, so it would no longer be an answer to my problem. I have removed the things that would hinder me from seeking Him when in the past I would resort to foolish remedies.

I look back as to how I handled my past experience with my grandfather, when he got the pacemaker. I was broken in pieces. I cried uncontrollably alone on the floor outside in a corner of Kendall Regional Hospital. I went home and sipped on the bottle of the beast. I relied on the booze to get me through the night. Now I get drunk off of God's word and worship. That's the difference. This time around, I was strong, I was rooted in Him, and He granted me peace, courage, strength, comfort, wisdom, and love. I look at how beautiful me, my family, and my amazing friends handled the situation. A few of them were able to come support me that night, and it was greatly appreciated. My family was able to come together in Him, and worship Him in a time when most would never think to do so. There we sat in the conference room, in a time to grieve what was about to be at hand, and we WORSHIPPED Him! If this doesn't scream the power of the grace of God, then I'm not sure what does.

So I praise Him. I thank Him. He is my Dad, my Lord. And I don't think I could be prouder to say that. I know I'm going to leave this trial a stronger Christian and a stronger person in general. Lord and I thank You for that.

This won't be the last of this topic. I definitely have a lot more I will share about these past few days. I asked God to give me opportunity to show His light in this darkness and He is giving me that exactly, so I'll take advantage of that. 

So for now, and as always.
with love,
-adam


I appreciate the prayers and thoughts for me and my family. To all my friends that have supported me in every fashion and just simply overpowered me with love, I thank each and every one of you. I love you all! <3

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

For the Moments I Feel Faint.




The song above for me is a very emotional song. It's something I connect with and something that due to a circumstance will forever get me going emotionally though I'll admit I haven't been so emotional these last 2 weeks or so. It's odd how I can grow so much closer to Him and be falling so much more in love with Him, yet feel like I'm losing some emotion.

So I went to the true test for me, I played this song. I'm not going to go into too much details because I'm saving it for another post, but this song was playing when I was driving home that night. It made me weep. It made me realize I was missing something. I was missing the Love that makes us kind. The moment I started crying, and called out to God this song was playing. Now that's all the details I'm going to go into tonight about that, but the reason I share it, is for the moments you and I feel faint.

The song is so true and powerful to me. The passion and intensity that Chester sings with on this track as to me he tries to deliver a message of hope. I don't think he was thinking along the same lines but this is how I view this song. Life isn't always easy. We're going to have days of struggle. Days that we simply lack motivation. Days we are going to be overwhelmed that life will leave us blind. But we have a hope, a love. That no matter the situation we always have that hope and love. The message, life is tough; it's a struggle. The Messenger, Jesus Christ; He brings us the hope and love to face and get through those days of struggles. This is what gets me through the moments that I feel faint.


always loving,
-adam

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Give Until There's Nothing Left




That's what on my heart right now. Surrender, I need to surrender it all to You. I want to be a living sacrifice for You. I want everything I do to be done in love, love for You. All my actions, my thoughts, my words, every aspect of my life, I surrender. As far as I've come in the last 2 months, I still have things I need to surrender to Him. I'm not alone I know, but I need to surrender. There's things in my life that I say "Oh, I put in Your hands Father, thy direction and will be shown and done". But despite my words, He knows my heart. He knows in my heart I'm saying it to just say it. That I pray sometimes just to pray because I know I need to. But He won't answer until I surrender everything. I can't hold on to Him and try and brings things with me. No, He wants me as naked as can be, everything exposed, fully surrendered. And that's where I'm at right now, in a need to surrender everything. Not caring about anything anymore, desiring to give everything I have until there's nothing left.

much love.
-adam

Monday, November 15, 2010

Getting Into You

Lord, I am getting into You more and more, day by day, and I couldn't be happier about it. Yesterday was 2 months exact since I made the best decision of my life, to give myself up, accept You in, and follow You. The transformation that has been brought to my attention by others along with my own realization of where I am, leaves me in awe. It so jaw dropping for me, because I know who I was (as does He). I know how dark I truly was, I know how far I truly was, and to see how close I am now is simply mind-blowing for me.

I admitted to a friend yesterday, the fear is what had always kept me from making the decision to accept Him. Going to a Christian school from 6th grade through 12th grade, I got to experience and see the affects of those who truly cherish and seek Him. And that scared me. I admitted yesterday the fear of God's plan for my life kept me away. I was scared because I knew by observation Christianity is serious business. God doesn't play around, when He has a plan He calls us to it. And I, this childish immature young man had always been scared of that plan. What if I got called to do something I didn't want to do, I'd have to go do it, I mean it'd be His plan. So I always chose not to even get to that point and just stay content in the life I was living. I was happy living my life. The constant flow of sinful nature and constant giving in was just sooo pleasing. For 22 years, and almost 27 complete days I chose to not choose and by doing so I chose. Then that night September 14th, I chose. I chose to accept Him and follow Him. I prayed hard after accepting Him into my life, that'd He'd humble me and destroy every wall that I hold up that He can make every aspect of my life for Him. I was choosing and praying intensely to get into Him. 

I'm still praying that prayer, I know I still have things that I'm letting go of day by day, and as those days go by I grow closer and closer to Him, and there is no greater joy. I no longer have that fear of His plans (Jer.29:11). I couldn't care less about His plans, in the sense I don't mind whatever the plans are, I just want to follow His plans. I've said to a few people lately I would be happy as a homeless man, or gladly live on a mountain in a tent because I know that'd be where God is going to putting me and where He would want me. In other words, I don't care; I don't have that fear anymore of what God has planned for my life, I'm going to embrace it. It might not be something easy or something I truly want to do, but that isn't what is going to matter. What matters is His will and plan for my life, and that fact that I just want to follow it, no matter what it may be or where it might take me. He is the only thing that matters to me anymore. If my life isn't glorifying Him, what purpose do I have. So I'm making it a point now. My priorities have been sorted out, and He stands alone on top. I really have noticed a difference in myself. I find myself doing things, I would've never imagined myself ever doing ever. Praising God with all my heart with no regards, doing whatEVER it is He puts on my heart to do. I really feel that I am on His path right now. Things in my life seem to be getting more and more hectic but yet things seem so much clearer than they have ever in my life. This is all cause I chose and currently am getting into You.











I truly feel this is where I'm at right now. So for now I bid thee farewell with love,
-adam




"Getting Into You"

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]
I'm getting into You
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

When he looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]
I'm getting into You
Because You got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person You deserve to worship You
You say You will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do You say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]
I'm getting into You
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sadie Hawkins Dance



Today will be just a quick share of the day I've had. So today was a very good and happy day. Two of my best closest friends got married this morning. It was promising to see two young people truly in love with one another to make such a commitment. It made me proud and grateful to be able to be allowed to share such a day with them. They truly are two of the best I know, and I'm super happy for them. So I take this time to congratulate them and wish them well. That they may be blessed with many healthy happy years together. That their marriage may stand as a true testament that marriage and true love can happen especially in the times we live in, that the definition and purpose of marriage has been skewed and abused. May they always be strong, patient, loving, and close to Him through their marriage. To my friends, I love you guys and wish you well on this new journey =)!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Down in Flames

Gosh, you're a retard! Now that is the mentality most of us have when we see someone, one of our fellow companions especially, screw up. To be honest why? Why can't we simply just encourage and help each other. Why must we (yes we including me) put each other down instead of uplift one another. 


Christians-- we're all afraid of fire.
We prefer to suck on pacifiers.
Baby pacifists, we're throwing fits.
We don't shake hands, we shake our fists.

We're cannibals. 
We watch our brothers fall.
We eat our own, the bones and all.

Finally fell asleep on the plane
to wake to see we're going down in flames.

We're going down, down, down in flames. 
We're gonna drown, drown, drown insane.

We see the problem and the risk,
but nothing's solved.
We just say, "Tisk, tisk, tisk," 
and, "Shame, shame, shame."

Finally fell asleep on the plane
to wake to see we're going down in flames.

Let's go!

Christians-- we mourn, the thorn is stuck
in the side of the body watch it self-destruct.
The enemy is much ignored
when we fight this Christian civil war.


That's an excerpt from the song "Down in Flames" by Relient K


And how true it is! We'd rather suck on our little pacifiers and whine about things instead of just getting down and dirty, and go down into the flames. Whether it be believers or nonbelievers, our attitudes seem to not change. Show the love of Christ? Nah, forget that! It's so much easier to point the finger and tell each how much that person sucks. That is such a shame. How much better could we be and how much more could we glorify Him, if we just did what the Bible asks us to do, and that is just show the love of Christ. To be a Christian is to be Christ-like, if we aren't showing His love in our words, thoughts, and actions then we aren't being very Christ-like at all.


The last verse really stands out to me. We sit and whine about things, and the enemy is ignored while we fight amongst each other. How easy we make Satan's job when we are just sitting bickering and putting down one another. This Christian civil war is real. How many times to do you see churches or people from different churches argue about irrelevant details, when at the heart of it we all have the same foundation that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and is our Lord and Savior that mercifully died for our sins so we wouldn't have to. That's is the only principle that matters. Who cares if we don't go about things such as style of teaching and worship, or how and what we wear. We need to show the love of Christ amongst each other. How is a nonbeliever going to see the love of Christ if they see how we treat each other.


So I challenge that we get our acts straighten out, lets start showing the love of Christ to one another, so we can go into the flames and plunder instead of watching us go down in flames.






ps
Side note:
This is something else I came across weeks ago and I have spoken about with some other friends over the span till now and this week a friend of mine sent me it via text. So I think God is trying to speak to me. In case you didn't God uses this recurring theme to get His message or point across and that is by repeating things emphatically for you to get a grasp of the importance of it. And what God has been putting on my heart is Ephesians 5. So I urge you guys to read it.


Ephesians 5...READ IT!


again with love.
-adam

Friday, November 12, 2010

Therapy

I consider myself to be in a state of therapy right now. Whoa, wait, what? Yeah, I feel like I'm in therapy everyday. Why? Because everyday I come to more of a realization of where I was and where I am now. And let me tell you it is an amazing, yet humbling experience. Everyday I face the facts of who I was, what I used to do, and people I used to allow to influence me. It's not easy, I can admit that. But I take satisfaction that my former darkness only shines His current light even brighter.

Everyday I try to dig into His word to learn more. Everyday I pray just to talk to Him. I write more now than I think I ever have in the last 2-3 years of college. I do everything possible to express my heart, my mind, and simply get things off my chest simultaneously allowing Him to reform me. To me, that sounds like a basic therapy session. I enjoy everyday that I have. I take joy that He gives me another day of life. This hasn't always been the case. In my past, I was actually a rather lonely unhappy sometimes angry person. Those that know me, might have a hard time believing that. As like my brother used to describe me, I was the "angriest happymeal ever". We used to joke that even when I was angry I was still happy, an obvious play on my nickname Happymeal. So true was this, also true was the fact of how lonely I was inside despite what I showed outside. Despite the fact I was always with friends, always with people I care about, I always felt alone. Not the case anymore. Now I spend hours upon hours alone at parks. I ride my bike all over Miami for almost an entire day. And the best part of all that is I never ever feel alone. So I'll end this with one of my favorite lyrics from the song called "Therapy" by Relient K.


"Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused. Because I spend my solitude with You." 
                                                 - Relient K







Thursday, November 11, 2010

Untitled

Hey guys I'm going to share another poem here. A quick little preamble, I had issues and I kept things to myself. We all have issues, this I know but we can't just bottle it up (or we'll soon blow up...thanks rk ;-) ). Regardless, in the past as you'll read was definitely a mental thing. I truly believe I am my own worst enemy. My mind can be so...ahhh frustrating I guess lol. This was one of the first things I wrote after I accepted Christ. Well sigh, here ya go.


A Past Struggle:
You don't understand the issues I deal with at night
The daily thoughts and insecurities that I fight
They haunt, they tear, they shred, they curse
They affect so deeply, pulls my life in reverse
It tortures, leaving me tormented, a crumbled ball of distress
The suffering, it kills, am I really on the pursuit of happiness
More like I'm on the road of destruction
Looking for any form of stress reduction
You don't know anything about these night terrors
Feels like my life is a constant flow of life errors
How am I supposed to face this man in the mirror clear
He screams so loudly insider dying of pain so severe
Am I ever going to come around to see the truth
Am I as good as they say, I see no proof
I deceive everyone, my peers, my audience
They don't know my achilles heel is a lack of confidence
I'm married to it, my problems are my wife
Deal with it everyday, my daily strife
The bottle was my answer, or so I thought
Nearly 2 years with this concept I fought
That was my life, just a peak inside my head
This was all until I welcomed Jesus, my daily bread.

And how good that bread is! amen amen amen! I just thank God so much for what He has done and is doing in my life and those around me. He is an awesome God!


thanks for letting me share again
love you guys
- adam

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I need You..

Another day another post, this morning I had a conversation with a former teacher. It was a good, pleasant conversation. One topic we hit was God's grace, and that got me thinking. What is God's grace? When do we need it? To me God's grace is His power to help us to do or get through things we cannot do on our own, despite us not deserving it. He is merciful enough to grant us His grace if we simply just reach out to Him.

Now to the second question, when do we need God's grace? Some might answer, well, we need it all the time; which is definitely true, but what I'm thinking is we need it when things are tough, when things are difficult. We have a God that will never leave us nor forsake us. Which means we should never have to go through things alone. We just need to humble ourselves, understand we need Him and ask for His grace through our tough times. In our humility we open the door to let the grace of God and His enabling power to come in and make us strong.

Now by no means am I saying we should only come to God during our tough times. No! We should be seeking Him at all times; I'm just saying during tough times is when we need His grace the most. Now as independent as some of us think we are, we're not. We are all dependent on Him. We all need Him. "If the Lord would not have been my help, my soul would have settled in silence" - Psalm 94:17 That was King David that said that. When he refers to his soul he is referring to his mind, his inner-self. When your soul is silent that means your cold to everything. You lack inspiration, motivation, peace, and hope. Basically without God's help you have nothing. That right there is exactly why we need God's grace so desperately especially during the trials and tribulations. How do we expect to get through things without Him, for when we are without Him we're gonna lack all those things. In hindsight now I see why my brother was able to be such a rock for my mom when she was sick, meanwhile I was rotting away inside. He was with God and I was not. It is a hard concept to grab because we can't ever possibly see what good can come out of such bad things, but we have stay strong in our faith to Him, ask for His grace, and know that nothing is by accident, everything happens for a reason.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Life After Death and Taxes

So today I think I hit the spectrum of emotions. I woke up joyful, just so happy to have another day of life and have this lovely cold weather outside. I have so many reasons to be happy with my life. I started back at the gym and I was heading there this morning, so that might have been reason numero dos to be happy. Had a nice, hard workout. I enjoyed a great morning after with a close friend of mine. It was a great time of fellowship with a friend I care about dearly. It's great to have a friend that you feel comfortable enough around to just spend time with and just open up about each other's lives. It was great. 

Something was brought to my attention while hanging out, and it did leave me quite humbled. I was told that I am making an impact on people. That left me truly humbled, that God would actually and is actually using me. That might be the greatest feeling I have ever had other than the night I accepted Christ into my life. The fact that the God of the universe would use me, this failure at life young man, as a tool for His glory. That is mind-blowing if you ask me. I know I  have been trying hard to be a light, but to be told I am actually having success at it. That just made oh so more grateful for Him, because without Him I'd be nothing. After I spent some more time alone at the park, relaxing and resting. I eventually made my way to Florida Christian for basketball practice. I had a great practice with my team. Probably the most intense practice I have ever coached. I was so proud of my guys. I truly look forward to this upcoming season with them. Then tonight I went and checked Lovesong with Pastor Chuck Smith. They were good! Definitely great to see how God has used all of them over the years and still going strong for Him.

Now for the purpose of my post. Today I received some very sad news while at varsity practice. During practice we got notice that one of our player's father had passed out in a tragic motorcycle accident. This was heart breaking to see and experience. To see my player's face sobbing and in shambles after hearing such news. This put me in deep thought. I won't be going to much into what was going through my mind. But the main thing was just a further realization on how fragile the life we live is. We can be here today and gone tomorrow, just like that.

The question that we all arrive at, is what else is there? We have this life, and its given to us and it can be taken away from us quickly. But where do we go from here? Ladies and gentlemen, that is the million dollar question. None of us know for sure. The only things we are guaranteed are death and taxes (cliche I know), but it's the truth. Here is one thing I know because of my faith, we are going to spend eternity somewhere. Either it be heaven or hell. It's up to us to choose where we want to go. Tonight Pastor Chuck Smith said something during his invitation that stuck to me. He basically said you wouldn't go out and sell your soul to the devil. There is no price tag on your soul. So why do we go out and just give him our souls at no cost. Why not instead give it to the God of the universe that gave us His Son, to come and die for our sins. It's an easy decision folks, it's either give your life to Christ or sorry to say this, but you're giving your soul to the devil at no cost. And let me tell you that's exactly what the devils wants. That's about all I got for tonight, just know choose carefully because there is life after death and taxes ;-).

as always with love,
adam

Thursday, November 4, 2010

In Love with the 80's

And no I'm not wearing a pink tux to the prom.






Ok so on lighter note as opposed to my last post, I'd like to begin to share some of my poetry. This one is entitled "Kindred"

Kindred:


What motivates me and pulls me through day by day
Is how I'm truly blessed in every single way
Many search and will  never find
What I got is definitely one of a kind
Some would do anything to just have one
And I got many that love me a ton
You guys are like family and of that I'm proud
You guys clear my skies no matter the cloud
I'm supported in everything that I do
And that's just reason one of many why I love you
We share a bond that'll last forever
That'll get us through the good times and every endeavor
You don't pick family but we chose each other
And other people see how much we love one another
Definitely a tight group, truly close knit
I haven't always had this, which is why I'm fortunate

This is written for each and every one of my friends. Other than God, you guys are my strength. The love you guys always give me is indescribable. I think you guys are the biggest blessing in my life especially right now. I haven't always had the best of friends, but right now I know I have more than that. I have family! <3

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Everything Will Be....

I got ice in my veins
blood in my eyes
hate in my heart
love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain
days of the same
you keep the sunshine
save me the rain
I search but never find
hurt but never cry
I work and forever try
but I'm cursed so never mine
and its worse but better times
seems further and beyond



Obviously these aren't Christian lyrics or anything like that, as a matter fact it's from Lil Wayne "Drop the World". Why I posted it you may ask? It's because that's exactly how I used to feel. He is talking about his struggles. And on my way home tonight my iPod being on shuffle decided this was an appropriate song. Listening to those lyrics though I realized that it was exactly describing me. I was recently told by a former teacher that I was sharing a moment with about where I am in my life now and they responded I can tell. That they couldn't ever remember a time of me genuinely smiling and being happy in the years they knew me. That shows I was dark and empty inside. Like its crazy just thinking about it and then glancing at these lyrics. Like wow how did it describe me. I had hate in my heart secretly always angry, and love was definitely on my mind. The nights of pain and days of the same, so true. Every night I dealt with the same issues and only to wake up to face them all over again. I didn't want happiness, I didn't need it, just bring on the storm.  I was always searching but never finding, because I was always searching the wrong places. I was very hurt, I was miserable inside and I knew it, but I definitely didn't cry and show it. I used to be emotionless. I've spoken to a few friends on how God has softened my heart and now everything makes me cry. I work and forever try but I'm cursed so never mine. I'd try to do the right things, try to be with the right people but I always ended up saying screw it oh well. I definitely felt the better times were further and beyond. Funny how I relate to this. Yeah I know at this point you are probably like okay this ghetto kid needs to stop embracing his thugalicious past and get to the point already.


Well my point is this, this was my past. This is how I went about for years upon years, not telling anybody how I truly felt inside. Now this is a warning, I'm preparing to knock down a HUGE wall for me. I've said and written how I need to stop being scared to share. Stop being ashamed of my past and embrace it because its who I am now that was made through what I've gone through. Obviously, I have had some major assistance (Jesus...cough cough). You might read this and be like wow or read this base judgement on me. I don't care anymore. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm only seeking one approval, His (Galatians 1:10).


I actually wrote these lyrics tonight on my way home in the car for a future song I'm gonna write. Well I didn't actually write it, I typed it on my blackberry. lol.


My past are my problems and its what I got
Its time to share without a second thought
I would hate for them to be lost without a clue
Cause someone out there is going through what I went through
If its gonna prevent someone from doing what I did
Then I can't be scared, I need to be candid



My own lyrics/poem, whatever you want call it, actually encouraged me tonight, along with my friend's blog. It's funny because I actually free-styled this in the car then was like wow I like it, let me write it down.


So knowing this how I felt inside and hearing that I'm gonna take a step in opening up. I want to share what I feel is one of my darkest moments if not the darkest moment thus far in my life. I've only shared this information with one friend, and it was actually last week that I opened up and spoke about it. The day or well night I should say was December 25, 2008. Yes, Christmas Day that year is the day I felt I hit rock bottom. I'd had a good day with my family. Had fun and definitely shared some good times. Throughout the day I had been texting a friend. This was a close friend of mine. I had been exchanging how I wanted to go see my friend since it was Christmas and all. My friend was real adamant about wanting to see me and spend some time with me that night. So it was around 9 or 10 and I decided I was going to go see my friend. So I texted my friend saying "Hey, I'm coming over =)". I figured since my friend was saying how bad they wanted to see me and hang out that night, that I'd go before they responded back. Sure enough I arrive at my friends house pulling into the driveway, I was about to send a text saying "Hey I'm here" and then I received a text. The text read "Aww man nooo, but I'm not home I'm still at my grandma's house and won't be heading home anytime soon =/". I was definitely disappointed and that'd soon change fast. Sure enough, I'm in the driveway saying crap man, well this sucks, oh well I'll go home. Sure enough though I look up and I see my "friend" inside their house. I wont go into more details, but I will say I was lied to. I was so angry, well enraged. I had every reason ti furious and hurt, and I was. So I resorted to the one thing I knew as a resolution. I stopped at the store and picked up a bottle of Bacardi: Long Island Iced Tea and cigarillos (yes at that time I knew where to get my underaged booze). I pulled over into an empty parking lot crying. I was so beyond hurt. Now mind you, here's a fun fact side note. It had been raining here and there and at this point the sky was coming down. Despite the weather I didn't care. I got out of the car and sat on the parking spot curb. I sat there crying in the darkest corner of the shopping center, rain coming down on me pretty hard, and there I went. I lit up a cigarillo, opened up the bottle, and just waddled in my own dark self pity. I was alone. I was miserable. I was crushed and in pain. I sat there in the rain for the next hour. In the rain, just smoking and drinking alone. I've never felt so abandoned. Not even when my mom was sick and my friends left my side did I feel this crushed and alone. I went home that night drunk from the entire bottle. Drove drunk, got home changed into dry clothes and passed out still crying. That was my moment of greatest darkness I think. 


Thinking and looking back, it brings tears to my eyes. I'm actually crying right now writing this. But now I cry for a different reason. I cry for joy. Joy that He took me from that dark lonely shopping center, took me from stupid decisions and stupid people. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end of that friendship with that person. They don't even know today, right now, that I was there that night. Oh well, not of much importance.


The point of this blog is to let you know, it's going to be alright. Too often between my past experiences and the experiences of others, do I see God take us out of darkest moments and make us into a light. But you have to seek Him. You have to come ask for Him to come and save you, sincerely. There is no problem, no situation, no person too big for Jesus Christ. We have a loving God and He is mighty to save.