Thursday, November 25, 2010

Curl Up and Die

I won't lie in the past with everything that has occurred the last few days, I would have wanted to curl up and die. Not that I ever had suicidal thoughts, but just had the feeling of curling up in a ball and dying so that every thing, every feeling would just go away. Now fast forward a little bit and a few years and months, to today; I do want to curl up and die, but I'm bringing up a new definition to curling up and dying.

First, let me go into what I would have done in the past. I probably would gone to the liquor store and bought something to drink. I would have gone somewhere alone. I would have spent hours alone listening to music, drinking, and rotting away inside. Allowing my deepest fears and thoughts to eat me alive. I would have beaten myself up with shame, guilt, worthlessness, and other insults. I would've questioned why would a God do things that hurt. I would've been filled with anger and rage. I would've gotten violent and punched a column, post, stop sign, among other things (the proof is in my crooked index fingers lol). I would have just secluded myself and done things hoping they would just go away. In common terminology, this would equate to the feeling most are talking about when they say they just want to go curl up and die. Now my new definition of curling up and die, is a divine one. Divine in the fact that it is solely dependent on Him. Now before I go on explaining more, let me apologize; this could be completely off, this could be something not relative to you, might not even be something you agree with. You could very well read the rest of this and say, "Adam, you're stupid", but that's cool with me. I don't care. I'm slowly but surely becoming fearless in sharing my mind and heart. If I feel the Lord is inspiring me then I'm going with it. I'm done concerning myself with what others think, what others might say, or allowing my own insecurities to stop me. That leads me to my definition of curl up and die.

When I say I want to curl up and die, I want to curl up in His arms and simply die to myself and the thoughts and fears I have and place them in His arms. This week has taught me to be grateful and rejoice in the Lord always (Phil. 4:4). I am in the middle of a tragic loss, but the loss is leading to a huge gain. My mom told me something this morning that broke my heart (she doesn't know that I cried after cause of the joy it brought me, at least well now she does lol). She told me, "I firmly believe your grandfather died so that you may live stronger". That is another statement that might have you like whoa, chill there skippy. But no I won't chill, because I agree. The Lord, my Father, moved my heart when I heard her say that and I agree 100%. This whole situation is making me grow stronger in faith; it is giving me wisdom, courage, strength, and more faith (i can never have enough of that). I have refused to truly believe it until today, but I found the reason why God took my grandfather home to be with Him.

Most don't know but my grandfather was supposed to leave home the next morning. The doctor cleared him to go home the next day. He never made it to the next day. He went into code blue, meaning his heart stopped beating, and his lungs couldn't pump air on their own. Now, not once did I question why, but I did ask God to show me the reason why? And he has. He felt I was ready for this, right then and there. Not a day early or a day late, perfect timing. I was on a strength momentum that has carried me through this growing immensely. And it has done so, to the point that others realize it. In serious matters, I am a very humble person (ironic I say that, since calling myself humble is probably contrary to the definition lol). I say that, to say I wasn't the one to come to this conclusion. God has moved people through me, my actions, and my words. Key point by the way, is God did it, not me. I've had numerous people tell me, call me, message me, and text me that they are amazed at how strong I am being, and how inspiring it is to them, to grow their faith stronger. Seriously though, me...inspiring others to grow stronger faith? C'mon now, I seriously suck. I've been a Christian for 2 months and 11 days. But that is how amazing He is. He can use anyone. I'm just grateful that He is using me. I've found the reason to what He did, and I'm rejoicing in it.

And lastly, I wish a happy thanksgiving to all of you. To all my friends and family, you guys give me more than an abundant of reasons to be grateful on top of the blessings He already gives me. If you feel you have nothing, take a strong look at yourself and your life through His eyes, and you just might find things to make you smile. I love you guys. God bless!

love always,

Some verses for the tough times:
Isaiah 41:13, Deuteronomy 31:8, Deuteronomy 33:27, Psalm 34:17, Psalm 32:7-8, Jeremiah 16:19, and Romans 8:28
The list is endless, message me if you want or need more.

No comments:

Post a Comment