I got ice in my veins
blood in my eyes
hate in my heart
love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain
days of the same
you keep the sunshine
save me the rain
I search but never find
hurt but never cry
I work and forever try
but I'm cursed so never mine
and its worse but better times
seems further and beyond
Obviously these aren't Christian lyrics or anything like that, as a matter fact it's from Lil Wayne "Drop the World". Why I posted it you may ask? It's because that's exactly how I used to feel. He is talking about his struggles. And on my way home tonight my iPod being on shuffle decided this was an appropriate song. Listening to those lyrics though I realized that it was exactly describing me. I was recently told by a former teacher that I was sharing a moment with about where I am in my life now and they responded I can tell. That they couldn't ever remember a time of me genuinely smiling and being happy in the years they knew me. That shows I was dark and empty inside. Like its crazy just thinking about it and then glancing at these lyrics. Like wow how did it describe me. I had hate in my heart secretly always angry, and love was definitely on my mind. The nights of pain and days of the same, so true. Every night I dealt with the same issues and only to wake up to face them all over again. I didn't want happiness, I didn't need it, just bring on the storm. I was always searching but never finding, because I was always searching the wrong places. I was very hurt, I was miserable inside and I knew it, but I definitely didn't cry and show it. I used to be emotionless. I've spoken to a few friends on how God has softened my heart and now everything makes me cry. I work and forever try but I'm cursed so never mine. I'd try to do the right things, try to be with the right people but I always ended up saying screw it oh well. I definitely felt the better times were further and beyond. Funny how I relate to this. Yeah I know at this point you are probably like okay this ghetto kid needs to stop embracing his thugalicious past and get to the point already.
Well my point is this, this was my past. This is how I went about for years upon years, not telling anybody how I truly felt inside. Now this is a warning, I'm preparing to knock down a HUGE wall for me. I've said and written how I need to stop being scared to share. Stop being ashamed of my past and embrace it because its who I am now that was made through what I've gone through. Obviously, I have had some major assistance (Jesus...cough cough). You might read this and be like wow or read this base judgement on me. I don't care anymore. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm only seeking one approval, His (Galatians 1:10).
I actually wrote these lyrics tonight on my way home in the car for a future song I'm gonna write. Well I didn't actually write it, I typed it on my blackberry. lol.
My own lyrics/poem, whatever you want call it, actually encouraged me tonight, along with my friend's blog. It's funny because I actually free-styled this in the car then was like wow I like it, let me write it down.
So knowing this how I felt inside and hearing that I'm gonna take a step in opening up. I want to share what I feel is one of my darkest moments if not the darkest moment thus far in my life. I've only shared this information with one friend, and it was actually last week that I opened up and spoke about it. The day or well night I should say was December 25, 2008. Yes, Christmas Day that year is the day I felt I hit rock bottom. I'd had a good day with my family. Had fun and definitely shared some good times. Throughout the day I had been texting a friend. This was a close friend of mine. I had been exchanging how I wanted to go see my friend since it was Christmas and all. My friend was real adamant about wanting to see me and spend some time with me that night. So it was around 9 or 10 and I decided I was going to go see my friend. So I texted my friend saying "Hey, I'm coming over =)". I figured since my friend was saying how bad they wanted to see me and hang out that night, that I'd go before they responded back. Sure enough I arrive at my friends house pulling into the driveway, I was about to send a text saying "Hey I'm here" and then I received a text. The text read "Aww man nooo, but I'm not home I'm still at my grandma's house and won't be heading home anytime soon =/". I was definitely disappointed and that'd soon change fast. Sure enough, I'm in the driveway saying crap man, well this sucks, oh well I'll go home. Sure enough though I look up and I see my "friend" inside their house. I wont go into more details, but I will say I was lied to. I was so angry, well enraged. I had every reason ti furious and hurt, and I was. So I resorted to the one thing I knew as a resolution. I stopped at the store and picked up a bottle of Bacardi: Long Island Iced Tea and cigarillos (yes at that time I knew where to get my underaged booze). I pulled over into an empty parking lot crying. I was so beyond hurt. Now mind you, here's a fun fact side note. It had been raining here and there and at this point the sky was coming down. Despite the weather I didn't care. I got out of the car and sat on the parking spot curb. I sat there crying in the darkest corner of the shopping center, rain coming down on me pretty hard, and there I went. I lit up a cigarillo, opened up the bottle, and just waddled in my own dark self pity. I was alone. I was miserable. I was crushed and in pain. I sat there in the rain for the next hour. In the rain, just smoking and drinking alone. I've never felt so abandoned. Not even when my mom was sick and my friends left my side did I feel this crushed and alone. I went home that night drunk from the entire bottle. Drove drunk, got home changed into dry clothes and passed out still crying. That was my moment of greatest darkness I think.
Thinking and looking back, it brings tears to my eyes. I'm actually crying right now writing this. But now I cry for a different reason. I cry for joy. Joy that He took me from that dark lonely shopping center, took me from stupid decisions and stupid people. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end of that friendship with that person. They don't even know today, right now, that I was there that night. Oh well, not of much importance.
The point of this blog is to let you know, it's going to be alright. Too often between my past experiences and the experiences of others, do I see God take us out of darkest moments and make us into a light. But you have to seek Him. You have to come ask for Him to come and save you, sincerely. There is no problem, no situation, no person too big for Jesus Christ. We have a loving God and He is mighty to save.