Monday, July 11, 2011

This is how the heart breaks

The breaking point I've been seeking for months has arrived; my heart has now been shattered to pieces, in the best way possible. Has anything really changed? No. I'm still struggling, I still have things that are bothering me, I still have issues to work through, people are still hurting and upsetting me; but the difference is my focus. I don't care anymore! Why consume myself, upset myself, drive myself on issues and situations beyond my control that have resulted in me missing and losing the joy I had. It's a matter of perspective and that perspective has been my point of view for a while. Woe is me! I am selfish, I am stupid. I have placed myself before You. How dare I?! Lord, Father, Aba, Dad forgive me. I lost the driving force that had me passionate for You. That driving force being the remembrance of how I was once lost, and how so many people all around are just as lost as I was. That this world is filled with people that don't know Jesus and are in dire need of a Savior. Who the heck am I; to spend my days concerning myself with petty immature issues rather than on the real purpose of my life, which is to spread the good news. What happened to my life verse, Acts 20:24? Have I really been roaming a meaningless life these last 2 months or so? In part, yes! Like the verse says, I consider my life to be meaningless if I'm not testifying to gospel of God's grace, and I haven't been placing that priority on my life. I have been so focus on myself; my life, my issues, my struggles, my walk. Not that any of that isn't important, but it shouldn't be the central focus of my life. Testifying about God's grace needs to be my concern. The cross and what Jesus did on it should be the epicenter of it all. I need to go back to a cross-centered life. I'm back to a cross-centered life. I'm realizing again where I was, where I'm at, and how it is all about Him.

I wrote this about a month ago, right before Costa Rica. It has been sitting among other things on my drafts list. It was just days before I departed, and I had just finished my 3 week fast in prep for the trip. I share this not to boast, or well not boast about myself. I share this to boast Him. This was before the trip, I needed to be broken down and He was faithful. Better yet He is faithful and will always be faithful. It's why we need to be at the heart of constant worship of Him and who He is. I don't think Costa Rica could have been so impactful on me, if I did not seek Him prior. I needed to be broken, I needed to be stripped bear again, I needed desperately to rip the flesh off my bones to be just mind, heart, and soul for Him. I say this to tell you to just trust Him. When it seems impossible, when it seems possible, when it is easy, when it is hard, when you have other options, when you have no other options; just trust Him! He is good, He is faithful, He is true, always! Praise You!

love always.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Follow You

There is so much going on, so much around me and I don't seem to care about anything but YOU. Thank You Father for allowing me to refocus, for changing my perspective and outlook, for stealing my heart, for bringing me back to the heart of worship. Call me selfish but everything that consumed me prior to Costa Rica has been shoved aside for my Lord, my Dad, my Savior, the only one who truly loves me; and that is the way it should be. He isn't number 1 on my priority list, He IS my priority list. I just pray that You help me remain here with my eyes fixed on only You. I know decisions aren't easy, but the ones I'm making are the ones I know You're guiding me through to make. I ignored Your lead for too long, so now I follow You to wherever You take me. First step of me becoming the leader He's calling me to be, is to first learn to follow His lead. 

I posted that on my Tumblr account just the other day, and I have to admit, that it truly doesn't begin to describe my heart right now. This verse comes to heart, Psalms 61:1-2 "Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I". I know I have a higher calling than what I've been living up to thus far in my walk with Him. I know I am called to greater things, I know I am called to be stronger, to be more of a leader (and one that truly leads by example first). But I have desperately needed to answer His calling, but I've been ignoring it for months; just like I ignored His call for so many years. Lord, I am here! Send me! Do with me what You want. I am Your servant! My life means nothing to me anymore, I just desire to testify to who You are and that is it! I have said this so many times, but I am crying it out now; just like I cried out His name that night and He answered. He IS answering again. It's been almost a month since the most amazing experience of my life, Costa Rica. A quick side note: Thanks to Him for being faithful and true, thanks to you who first mentioned it to me that night and encouraged me to go, to those who suggested I pray on it and seek God about it, to those who prayed for me before, during, and after. Thanks to you all who it made it possible for me to experience this. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I hope to write all about it soon, but for now I'll just say it was a life changing experience that has opened my eyes to who God has been calling me to be. I can't begin to tell you of how much I'm letting go because He told me to. So much has held me down for months, so much has distracted me. I cast down my walls, my idols, my distractions and I lay them all down to glorify You. You have shown me how and why I need to obey, and faithful You will be to me when I just trust and follow. I am not sure why it has taken me so long to understand, when there is proof all around me at the results when you do as such. But here I am Dad, take me where You want; pull, push, peel, stretch, mold me as You want; guide me as You wish because all I know and all I want to know is You, Yahweh.

Love always, 

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20