Monday, July 11, 2011

This is how the heart breaks

The breaking point I've been seeking for months has arrived; my heart has now been shattered to pieces, in the best way possible. Has anything really changed? No. I'm still struggling, I still have things that are bothering me, I still have issues to work through, people are still hurting and upsetting me; but the difference is my focus. I don't care anymore! Why consume myself, upset myself, drive myself on issues and situations beyond my control that have resulted in me missing and losing the joy I had. It's a matter of perspective and that perspective has been my point of view for a while. Woe is me! I am selfish, I am stupid. I have placed myself before You. How dare I?! Lord, Father, Aba, Dad forgive me. I lost the driving force that had me passionate for You. That driving force being the remembrance of how I was once lost, and how so many people all around are just as lost as I was. That this world is filled with people that don't know Jesus and are in dire need of a Savior. Who the heck am I; to spend my days concerning myself with petty immature issues rather than on the real purpose of my life, which is to spread the good news. What happened to my life verse, Acts 20:24? Have I really been roaming a meaningless life these last 2 months or so? In part, yes! Like the verse says, I consider my life to be meaningless if I'm not testifying to gospel of God's grace, and I haven't been placing that priority on my life. I have been so focus on myself; my life, my issues, my struggles, my walk. Not that any of that isn't important, but it shouldn't be the central focus of my life. Testifying about God's grace needs to be my concern. The cross and what Jesus did on it should be the epicenter of it all. I need to go back to a cross-centered life. I'm back to a cross-centered life. I'm realizing again where I was, where I'm at, and how it is all about Him.

I wrote this about a month ago, right before Costa Rica. It has been sitting among other things on my drafts list. It was just days before I departed, and I had just finished my 3 week fast in prep for the trip. I share this not to boast, or well not boast about myself. I share this to boast Him. This was before the trip, I needed to be broken down and He was faithful. Better yet He is faithful and will always be faithful. It's why we need to be at the heart of constant worship of Him and who He is. I don't think Costa Rica could have been so impactful on me, if I did not seek Him prior. I needed to be broken, I needed to be stripped bear again, I needed desperately to rip the flesh off my bones to be just mind, heart, and soul for Him. I say this to tell you to just trust Him. When it seems impossible, when it seems possible, when it is easy, when it is hard, when you have other options, when you have no other options; just trust Him! He is good, He is faithful, He is true, always! Praise You!

love always.

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