Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Who I am hates who I've been

You can sit and ask how? But it is so true. I am not who I want to be. I still give in to the flesh. I sin so often. My passion isn't feeling how I felt it was a month ago. Don't mistake this as me not growing because I truly feel I've grown more in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 months. My faith is stronger than it was before. But yet something doesn't seem right, I now know what it is. I know why I'm not being as strong as before when it comes to different temptations. I need more of Him. I was satisfied because I was growing and feeding it at times. Instead of purely feeding it like I was before. Reading and praying all the time. I need to get back to that. God, You deserve more from me. I need to give You more. I need to give You all of me. I need to submit everything and stop trying to bring things along for the ride. You ask for me, not for me and what I want to bring. You ask for me just as I am. So I'm done trying. That's it. I give up. I'm tired of fighting things inside my head. I'm tired of the torment. I'm tired of the anxiety. I give it up. I hate who I've been because who I've been might be better than before but I'm still so not worthy of You. I want to be a walking image of what God asks us to be. I want to be that image of the invisible. I'm tired of being me. I want to be your pure servant. Forget me and my desires for my life. Forget my selfishness. I want You and only You. I want Your plan. I want Your desires. I want to be in complete adoration of only You.

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest. It's been eating me alive, these last few days. I think this why I haven't had the desire to post anything. It's probably why I haven't been sleeping very much despite my efforts to. Probably why I haven't been very emotional, other than when I think about Manolo. But I'm coming back to heart of worship now. I'm getting back at it. This walk we are on, is  a daily struggle. Like I mentioned in early posts, we need to die to ourselves daily. Renew the joy daily. We can't get complacent. We can't get satisfied. We need to want more and more every day! When we get complacent and satisfied, we're giving Satan exactly what he wants. We fall away from God by it. We don't grow as passionate. Our flesh takes over, and we all know the flesh sucks. So we need to stay rooted in Him. Rooted in prayer and in the Word. So I'm making it my goal to get back to it. To get rooted deeper in Him. We all need to, especially me. That's all for tonight.

with love as always,

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