Saturday, February 12, 2011

Bee Your Man

Words. Emotions. Thoughts. I have plenty, actually I'm full of them at the moment; just, oh so many.

I'm struggling, because I truly feel sometimes I get in the way of being the man You want me to be. I know You are with me, everywhere and in everything. I can feel Your presence, I can feel You moving and molding. But I'm still such a child; I can make some mature strong decisions for You, and yet crumble to the flesh that I can't seem to rid. I don't want to anymore, I just want to die to myself. I want You. I want You alone. You're filling me up with encouragement, everywhere. Through conversations with those I can share with, through Your word, through messages, and through random thoughts You put in my mind. You speak to me all the time. You are telling me, I've come a long ways. I know I have. I know I am not even a fraction of the man I used to be, well correction, the immature stupid fool of a child I used to be. I know, I am surely moving and becoming a man. A real, true God-seeking, God-fearing man, but I know I am not there yet; I am not even close yet. How can I live out Your purpose, if I am not Your man yet? It makes no sense to me. I need to be fixed still; I am still very much broken with need for repair. I don't want to be held together by duct tape. But at the same time, who the heck am I to tell You, Well God, I still suck. So yeah You can't use me yet. Psssh, who am I kidding? You amuse at that thought, I know You do. I know You are like, sure Adam, that's right; NOT! I know because I've seen how You've used me in so many ways these last few months. Not to boast in the least bit; because trust me, I am on no holy high horse, I am just as much as a sinner as the next. I've just realized how much He has done for me. How I've been carried along by Him through all my circumstances. How even the things of my past when I didn't have a relationship with Him, still are used to shape up the man He wants. I can feel something forming and rising up inside, and I like it.

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