I am weeping. I want to be lost in You. I want to be so consumed in You. I'm struggling, at least when it comes to the standard that I want to be held to.
I finished my fast a few weeks ago, it was an amazing experience. Was I perfect? Unfortunately no, I wasn't. But God spoke to me so much those three weeks, and I was actually able to grow a personal relationship with my Father unlike ever before. Most importantly, I made it a point of dedication to praise and thank Him everyday for everything He had done for me. I prayed hard for many situations in my life, some past, mostly present, and some future. I asked for His guidance through it all, for His aid to resist every temptation imaginable. He showed and taught me about His grace. I learned about His sovereignty, and His divine providence. I began to develop a hunger for His word, like never before. I spoke with Him nonstop throughout the day. It was incredible! The amount of spiritual growth that He blessed me with made the fast 100% worth it. It was a challenge, a struggle, but overall a great success.
The fast allowed me to set a brand new standard to the type of Christian I want, need, and am called to be. Which brings me to where I'm at right now, feeling frustrated. How much is too much? Despite the immense positive that came from the Daniel's fast. I find myself still falling so short of that standard. I'm not praying hard enough still and without cease yet. I'm not hungry enough yet. The flesh still eats at me. And it is gotten intensely harder to maintain since the fast finished. I still fail like a major noobcake. Am I being hard on myself, some have told me I am, but I need to be. He IS worthy, and I am not in my present state. I've remained rather quiet about my frustrations until now. I'm so sick and tired of excuses. I'm tired of slowly going back to distractions here and there. I want discipline. I need discipline.
I am not worthy, but Your grace is so enough. You made me realize by reminding me, who I am right now, and who I was before. It has been almost 6 months, and what You have done in me and with me, through Your grace, is beyond my comprehension. Why me? Why You have chosen me, this inept young man, to become Your servant, I'll never know; but I know I am not going to question it any longer. I am righteous in Your eyes, I am a new creation in my faith through You my Father. I may fall short often, but I am still Your child, Your project, Your servant and with that I take pride in You.
Last week during one of my quiet times, I came across a verse that I decided to make it one of my life verses. That verse was Acts 20:24 - "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." It has been mentioned several times in services and conversations since I originally came across it. And we all know when it is important, God repeats it and makes it known.
And it all comes, as retarded me is trying to reason when enough is enough. And with every passing moment God is ripping me apart like a true Father does, to make an even newer sculpture and letting me know His grace is endless. I need to keep running the race, I need to stop pouting and allowing myself to get distracted. I have a task at hand in need of being done and completed. The way I look at it, I don't know how long I will be here so I need to make sure I am getting the mission done while I am. I need to make sure my life is a walking testament of His grace. I am going to struggle, I will fall short, but He is there waiting with His grace, ready to drown me in it again. It is boundless, endless grace that makes my Dad who He is. It'll be when I stop to sulk saying, "Meh, I screwed up again! Dang it man!", that He throws His bucket of grace on me and says press on my child. I am going to keep striving to get better, to be bigger, and stronger. I have a standard that I may never reach, but I am going to strive for it, and let every one of my failures in my life be a true testament of my Dad's grace to me as I continue on towards the goal.
Thank You Dad for Your never ending grace. Never allow me to forget what You have done for me, and to never stop testifying Your grace, Lord. I am not worthy, but You still want me for Your purpose. So I lay down my life for You and Your glory. Remind and allow me to do so continuously daily, so that I may truly live my entire life for You. I can never stop singing praise and worshipping You my Father. I long for the day to come face to face with You, but until then I will live Your purpose for me. Continue to pour Your love, grace, mercy, comfort, guidance, growth in me. I pray for my future and every aspect of it, You know my heart Lord but may it be Yours and Your will that be done in me. Thank You for wrapping Your arms around me in my time of need. Thank You Dad, I love You, and I need You more and more everyday. Amen.