I'm really focusing on Jesus as of late. I know it's been a while since my last blog, so I'll be honest. I was in a weird place. I was in a place where I really felt like I was loving God more, with beginning to serve Him at a new church, starting to lead studies at my group; I was starting to do all these things that made me feel like I was getting close and loving God so much more for who He is, but honestly it wasn't making a difference. I didn't feel a genuine love growing, and I understand why now. I am thankful for a friend of mine (I'm thankful for all of them) who was trusting enough to be honest with me. Honest enough to call me out and tell me I was distant from God. How right they were, I was distant from the One. The One who brought me out of darkness. I had stopped reading, despite my desire to do it. I had stopped praying genuine prayers all the time, and resorted to quick words not from my heart. I was cussing again, sinning left and right. Becoming self-centered with my problems and resulting pride that was leaving them unresolved. I am a very prideful creature but when I am focused on Him, I quickly get humbled and become that selfless person that my friends so often appreciate. It is only logical when I have Jesus as my strive that I am influenced by Him, and vice versa.
This was all just the beginning though, step one in the process as of late. I received the same message the following 5 days through various things, be it church, study group, sermon podcasts. It was all too clear now, and it culminated last Wednesday; when my eyes were truly opened to the real problem. I had lost my faith and trust in God. I was being selfish again, wanting to handle life on my own. It all leads back to a lack of faith and trust in the One, but why? I've been starting to realize I lack a true knowledge of who Christ is. In order to be like Jesus, I have to know Jesus. I have to study Jesus. I have to study what He did, what He said, who He was with, and where He went. I need to know about my Savior so I can act and grow like Him.
Forget trying to read Paul's letters to learn to be radical for the gospel, forget Jeremiah's 40 years of faithful servanthood, none of it matters if I don't even know the teachings and parables of Jesus, the One. He is the One who altered history. The One gave a reason to live, a reason for hope, a chance at life after death. He is the One who rescued and died for me. My heart breaks when I think about how little I really know about Jesus. I want to study Jesus, I want learn about Jesus, so I can consequently carry out what He asks of me. He is the One whose birth we base our calendar year. He raised from the dead, He healed the sick, He loved the outcasts, He stood up to everyone for the name of His Father, our Father. He made an impact, a difference. He showed that one person can change history. He showed He is the One who changed history. He showed the power of One.
That's where I'm at right now, as upfront and real as possible. I am not at where I seem, I am struggling everyday. But I know how to fix it, and that is by relying on the One. Learning about the One, having faith and trust in the One. I'm so far from perfect, but I'm clawing and scratching my way towards His standard. I know I will fall short, but I'm relying on the One to get me back up and keep me moving forward. I rely on the One to give me the need to depend on Him, to read about Him, to talk to Him, to learn about Him. I'm relying on the power of One.